Autonomy & Independence

©Karen Martin, 10/98, 1/99. All rights reserved.

My 14-year-old daughter acts as if she knows everything in the world. (We can't tell her anything that she doesn't insist she already knows or that alternatively she discounts as stupid and outdated.) In addition she insists that she should be allowed all the freedoms of a full-fledged adult and resents any expectations we have of her, any limits we set on her, or any inquiries we make about her life. What is even more infuriating is that she is very demanding of us around taking care of any number of frivolous needs that she presents us with, i.e. to be driven hither and yon day or night, to have endless amounts of new clothes, to be forgiven countless times for failures in being responsible around her school work or other commitments she makes to us, like cleaning her room, helping with dishes, etc.

At the level of responsibility and maturity she acts more like a six year old. She wants all the rights of an adult and none of the responsibility. She wants to do everything adult yesterday: drive, have sex, visit a boyfriend out of town for a week and yet she rarely demonstrates that she has the judgment or maturity that makes us comfortable giving her anything close to this kind of freedom. When we try to reason with her or point this out we end up in interminable arguments that get us nowhere. Help!

Karen responds:

Welcome to the joys of having a teenager!

First of all, you are describing the most typical and frequently reported description of what it is like to have a fourteen year old. Once a kid hits "adolescence" (and this by the way can be as young as ten or eleven years of age), the push towards independence is overwhelmingly strong.

In fact it is actually the normal developmental challenge of adolescence to become emotionally independent of parents. Your adolescent is behaving normally.

Try to understand that her aggressive push towards maturity is a cover-up for her fearfulness and vulnerability. Underneath her "know it all attitude" is a scared kid. She insists on her status of "grown-up" as much to convince herself as you. Don't try to reason with her and don't try to dispute her own expressed conviction that she should have all the rights and freedoms of an adult. This is an emotionally driven experience in your teen, not a rational one.

Try not to be offended. Try not to take it personally. Try to appreciate her conviction without feeling like you have to agree with it or without feeling like you have to convince her that her position is wrong.

Set the limits you need to set with no apologies and respond to her needs and wants without criticism. You don't have to convince her that you're right and you don't have to convince her that she's wrong. I often advise parents to set the limit and in response to their teen's challenge to say, "I'm doing the best I can. Maybe you're right. But I have to respond out of my sense of what is right to do in this instance."

You don't have to be right to say no. Your daughter doesn't have to be wrong to want you to say yes.

Live and let live and set the limit when you have to. Give her as much freedom as you can. As she enters adolescence she does need more freedom and fewer limits than she did when she was younger.

Karen

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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Obtained with permission on March 9, 2006 from http://www.parentingadolescents.com/autonomy.html