Coping with the Death of a Pre-Teen's Parents

©1998, 1999 Karen Martin. All rights reserved.

Dear Jean:

I have a couple questions. We are guardians of our 11-year-old niece (her mother and father recently passed away--we got her when she turned 10).

1) We have not told her how her mother passed away. Her mom used drugs and died from them. Should we tell her now how her mom really died? We told her that her mom was really sick.

2) She wants to wear makeup -- when should girls begin wearing makeup?

3) If she gets something new, she has to wear it the next day. She is so concerned about what others think of her and must be in style with what others are wearing.

If you cannot address all three questions, please pick number one -- the most important one.

Thank you.

Jean responds:

Thanks for visiting www.parentingadolescents.com and for your question.

How brave of you to take on the rearing of your niece. I take it that it's not been more than a year since she lost her mother and dad. She therefore is still going through the effects of this bereavement, whatever they may be for her. From research we do know quite a bit about the effects of losing a parent in childhood, and you may want to research this a bit, just to become knowledgeable about how she may be attempting to deal with this loss. (A good place to start might be at the Barr-Harris Center site, a center here in Chicago that deals with child and adolescent loss issues.)

One thing we know is that the child must be allowed to process her grief, in whatever form that takes. Sometimes a surviving friend or relative is so overwhelmed by his or her own grief, that s/he discourages the child from experiencing her own grief fully. When the child is not able to express her own grief and have it accepted, she may carry forward a vulnerability to major depression as an adult.

With respect to each of your questions, I can offer the following general guidelines (but please read the Disclaimer below):

I would think it not necessary and possibly harmful to tell your niece "out of the blue" that her mom died of an overdose of drugs. You don't mention whether she's asking why/how her mom died--if she's not, there's no need to say anything at all about this topic. If she is asking, I'd treat it the way I treat kids' questions about sex: you try to answer the immediate question and not give additional information unless pushed. Telling her her mom was really sick seems fine to me. Eventually, I think, she'll have to learn the cause of her mother's death, but it is a question of timing --as she pushes you more, you may need to tell her more. But let her do the pushing, at least until she's older. If she hasn't pushed you for fuller explanation by the time she's 18, I'd think about telling her anyway, if only for the sake of her future health. If and when you do explain, she and you both may need a counselor's support to process all the thoughts and feelings you both may have about this.

The age at which girls begin to use makeup varies from community to community and from family to family within that community. Take a look at what other girls her age at her school are doing. Then make up your own minds and announce your decision to her. But don't try to defend your decision as "right," since there isn't any standard of "rightness" on this that I'm aware of. You might consider granting her permission in stages: maybe a little lip gloss at this age and/or fingernail polish, with a gradual increase (maybe at each birthday) to other mild makeup that won't hurt her skin, based on community standards and/or your own beliefs. The problem most parents or caregivers have with stuff like this is they try to get the kid to accept the rule 'gladly' or to acknowledge the rightness of it. That way lieth madness. Just tell her what's so, and expect her to voice her feelings about it, positive or negative, and just listen. Tell her you're just trying to do your best to be good parenting figures, and maybe you're not right or not fair, but that's the way you think right now. She's not wrong for asking. You're not wrong for whatever decision you make.

Yes, it's entirely normal for her to be sensationally and overwhelmingly concerned with her peers' responses to everything, there is a truly terrible need to look just like everyone else, only better.

In areas like #2 and #3, her wanting to use makeup or her relationships to her clothes and to peers, I think you'd really benefit from reading a lot of the Q&A's in the Archives --you can search on the topics you're concerned about.

Good luck, and hope this helps. If things get bad, please consult a professional counselor in your area. You've taken on a really tough job, and should expect glitches. Blessings your way...

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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Obtained with permission on March 9, 2006 from http://www.parentingadolescents.com/deathofparent.html