Discovering Sexual Activity

©1998, 1999 Karen Martin. All rights reserved.

Dear Jean:

I recently found out that my two teenage daughters are sexually active. They are 16 and 17. I don't know what to do. I am having a hard time calling their pediatrician for birth control and I'm wondering if they should be seeing a gynecologist. Can you help?

Jean responds:

Hi,
Thanks for visiting www.parentingadolescents.com and for your question.

I realize how shocking it can be to discover that your daughters are having sex. You are not alone. Many of us remember what it felt like the first time we learned our daughters had been sexual: my own feelings included a sense of loss (their childhood seemed over) and even a sense of betrayal (how could they do this without telling me?).

It takes some time to adjust to this new stage in your daughters' lives, and I wouldn't do anything QUICKLY. This ushers in a whole new phase in your relationships with them.Take some time... when you do approach this, you want to be calm and not have your own fears and feelings get the better of you. Try to be gentle with yourself; give yourself time to "digest" this new information.

I am wondering how you acquired the information? Are you sure of its accuracy? For instance, if you overheard a conversation or saw a note, stating that your daughters were having sex, that doesn't mean that they are! Teenagers make up a lot of stuff to tell each other that they haven't in fact really done.

If you discovered this by invading their privacy, then there are two issues: the content of what you saw/heard, and the issue of your invasion of their privacy. If this is your situation, you might find some help by searching the Archives on the topic of privacy (type privacy in the search box).

But whether you came by the knowledge through an invasion of their privacy or honestly, I would wonder if you want to do anything about it in a direct fashion. After all, this is part of their private lives. An indirect approach that would allow you to reassure yourself that they are taking care of themselves might be to turn the conversation to a general discussion of sexual safety, without revealing that you know these details of their lives, and give them information about resources.... if there is a clinic in your area that serves adolescents without their having parental permission, this would be ideal. You can also refer them to some good web sites, such as Sex etc., to which we link on our related sites page.

If they didn't come to you themselves, and you feel compelled to let them know that you know they are being sexually active, I hope you will give them time to absorb this knowledge (i.e., that you know) and be sensitive to any feelings they may have about it. If they DID come to you, you're way ahead: tell them it may take some time for you to adjust, but that you realize it's normal for them to have sexual feelings, and that you just want them to be safe and happy and take control of their sexual lives, rather than being victims of it. Thank them for trusting you enough to share this with you. Then go about finding them resources.

Good luck! Feel free to write back and let me know how it goes.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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Obtained with permission on March 9, 2006 from http://www.parentingadolescents.com/sexactivity.html