Drug Testing

©1998, 1999 Karen Martin. All rights reserved.

I just found your "Parenting Adolescents" page and it is excellent. Thanks!

We are going through a difficult time with our nearly 17-year-old son, who has been experimenting with marijuana. He desperately wants to take the car to school because everyone does (we live in a very affluent area and most kids do drive to school). He says that's the only way he will ever be able to find a girlfriend since all of the other boys have cars.

I have struck a deal with him. I will be testing him regularly (I have ordered some low cost drug test kits from BioScan.) If he is drug-free, he can have access to the car, and if he keeps his grades up (he has been an A student...I told him all A's or almost all A's), he can have the car once a week to take to school.

I even told him I would consider letting him have the car more often during his senior year in high school if he stays away from alcohol and drugs and keeps his grades up.

He seemed really open to this deal. Of course, if he gets mostly B's I don't feel I can let him take the car to school, although I will let him use it on weekends if he stays away from drugs and alcohol.

What do you think?

Karen responds:

At the end of my presentations to parents of junior high and high school students, I say that I have one last piece of advice: "If it isn't broken, don't fix it." I start my response to you with that advice!

First of all, I want to compliment you for the "attitude" with which you seemingly approached this problem. When in your question you indicate that you "struck a deal with him," that says to me that you understand something very essential about teen-agers: If they don't "buy in," you probably will not succeed in helping them get to where you want them to get.

Having said that, let me address some concerns:

Ordinarily, I don't recommend drug testing to parents because so often, given the considerable issues surrounding autonomy during this period of development, the move is experienced as far too intrusive and can be the occasion of a power struggle and escalating acts of defiance. This obviously is not the case so far with your son, so good for both of you!

Along the same intuitive line, I generally recommend that parents be more lax with their expectations during this developmental period. (See last week's Question of the Week response, "academic performance," in the Archives.)

Again, my reasoning is that kids are struggling so with issues of autonomy at this age that there is a possibility that parental insistence for a certain level of performance might actually be a catalyst for the teen's rebelling and becoming less motivated around whatever the performance issue is.

In the case of you and your son, I probably would have recommended saying that as long as he gets all Bs, he can have use of the car. Of course, this can cut both ways: It might mean that he will stop getting As, or it might mean that he'll keep getting As because he feels like he doesn't have to prove to you that you can't control him. (See Archives questions pertaining to autonomy and power struggles.)

Finally, though, I come to where I started: if it's not broken, don't fix it. You and your son seem to have a good relationship; my hat's off to you both. He seems to sense that you respect him and can allow you to direct him at the level you are attempting to. As long as he buys in, then keep to the agreement. If it starts not working, consider loosening the reins a little.

Glad you like parentingadolescents.com. Thanks for the question. Sorry we couldn't send you an e-mail response! Let me know how it turns out.

- Karen

Disclaimer: Ms. Martin's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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Obtained with permission on March 9, 2006 from http://www.parentingadolescents.com/drugtest.html