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Going to Live with Dad ©1998, 1999 Karen
Martin Dear Jean: I have a 15 year old boy (soon to be 16) and he has lived with his stepfather and me since he was 2. He has always been a good kid, with excellent marks and involvement in sports. All of a sudden, he has developed a big attitude and says, "I am an adult, and I can do what I want." He has had one legal problem as a result of a very poor choice ; we have got through that. Now, after giving him a good life, supporting him and acknowledging his accomplishments, he has decided he doesn't like us and wants to go live with his biological father whom he has had minimal contact with over the years. It looks like he is going to go to his father's place (and his father doesn't really want him because he is retired and free (lives alone).) This has all been precipitated by our son coming in at 2 a.m. and we did not know where he was and he was confronted on this and reacted. There is a 19 older brother who has just moved back to our city. This son has been a major problems over a number of years and is being a negative influence and things have escalated since his return. I am hurt by the lies my 15 year old is saying about my husband and me and am in shock he wants to leave our abuse-free home where the only real expectation placed on him is accountability of where he is, to go live with his father who he calls names and has not had a good thing to say about over the years. My son cannot give any sound reasons as to why he doesn't want to stay with us any longer except things like: my husband and I don't go out partying, we are at home a lot, we take naps! and we love each other too much and don't fight a lot! Dumb excuses like this. Right now the plan is he is going to go to his father's for a week and then he will make a decision whether to stay or not. Thanks! Baffled and Confused Parent Jean responds: Hi, Thanks for visiting www.parentingadolescents.com and for your question. Making a stepfamily work is a really hard job. People underrate what's involved. It sounds as if you and this boy's stepfather have done your very best to support him in living a decent life and have loved each other and him. But as young people go through adolescence, they do experience a surge of energy in two general directions: towards becoming independent of parents and towards finding out who they are, and it can happen suddenly. It sounds as if your son is experiencing his surges of energy in these areas now. Because you are still responsible for his behavior, legally, and morally responsible for his welfare until he is 18, you cannot allow him to go live with his father if his father will be abusive to him or grossly irresponsible (i.e., drinking all the time and totally unable to supervise him or conducting illegal activities in the home). However, barring these possibilities, I think you are wise to let him have a chance to live with his biological dad and see what it's like. It's important that you also carefully avoid saying anything bad about his biological father, since his dad is biologically and psychologically a "piece" of your son. In this way, your son's relationship with his father is different from your relationship with this ex-husband. The more your son can respect him, the better for his own self esteem. Your son may not be able to give you sound reasons for wanting to move because teenagers may not be aware of motivations like wanting to find their identity or wanting to feel more like an adult. They just ACT on those things, most of the time. I would tell your son that his lying about his stepfather and you hurts your feelings. Period. Don't dwell on this. And it's important that you and his stepfather try not to indulge any feelings of your own of being "done to" by this boy's insistence on seeing if he can establish a home with his father. Frankly, your good support of him ALLOWS him to be strong enough to insist on doing what he feels like he must. He is NOT betraying you! - he is doing what he is developmentally driven to do. If it doesn't work out with his father, pity him because he then finds out that he has a father who cannot be a father to him, and this is a very sad fact. Take him back home and sit down with him and establish limits in areas of behavior that have been problematic, and assign consequences for the next infringement of these limits, so that the next time he steps over the line in a behavioral area he knows exactly what consequence will be coming (behavioral areas do NOT include lying or attitude, just stuff like hours, skipping school, or whatever behavior actions he is having problems with). Hope this helps a little; see also the Recommended Reading, below. Jean. Recommended reading: Disclaimer: Ms. Waldridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional. [This page may be printed out for personal use. It may be duplicated for distribution only with Jean Walbridge's or Karen Martin's permission. All print-outs must bear the copyright statement & URL at the top of the page.] Obtained with permission on March
9, 2006 from |
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