Why a Curfew?

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Dear Jean:

Do you believe in giving teens and pre-teens a curfew? If so why?

Jean responds:

Hi,

Thanks for writing to parentingadolescents.com.

I believe in setting limits with teens and preteens only in those areas of behavior that prove to be problematic. So, regarding hours, I see no need to set a limit with a teen or pre-teen with regard to when he/she should come in at night UNLESS the teen/pre-teen is coming in at times that are unacceptable to the parents. The reason the times should be unacceptable to the parents is that they impact on the teen's or pre-teen's own safety and wellbeing.

When hours have become problematic, then I think parents should sit down and discuss with the teen or pre-teen what reasonable times for coming in at night should be, and devise consequences for the teen's or pre-teen's failure to come in by the agreed-upon times. The curfew should be one arrived at in negotiation between parent and teen/pre-teen.

The curfew for pre-teens will normally be earlier than that for teens. In addition, for pre-teens, parents may say that there is no going out after dinner on school nights, whereas with teens, you may allow some visitation with friends, etc., even during the evenings.

Where there is disagreement over what time is a reasonable time for the teen or pre-teen to come in that can't seem to be resolved in discussion, I recommend using the community curfew.

The consequence for overstepping the bounds should be discussed at the same time you discuss setting the curfew, and it should be related to the offense -- e.g., the teen or pre-teen may have to "pay" for coming in late by having time deducted from the curfew on a succeeding night. The teen or pre-teen is then free to make their choice -- come in at the time agreed, or pay for it the next night (or on some succeeding night). The teen or pre-teen may decide at any particular time that it's "worth it" to stay out later than the curfew on a particular night, and accept the consequence of the deducted hours on a following night. Parents may decide to include in the curfew agreement that in such a situation, the teen or pre-teen will call the parent to announce their decision to stay out later, give an approximate return home time, and there may have to be separate consequences for failing to follow that aspect of the rule (failing to call home when the teen or pre-teen decides to say out later).

Parents may also decide that they need a "deadline" time, past which the teen or pre-teen may not stay out for any reason, without incurring much more dire consequences.

As to the "why" of setting a curfew: As I've said above, you do this when your teen or pre-teen has indicated by his or her behavior that he/she is not using good judgment about coming in at night. When teens or pre-teens display behavior that strikes parents as unsafe or not in their child's best interests, the parents need to be concerned and to decide whether the behavior is important enough to require some limit-setting. As teens and pre-teens are learning to control their own behavior and run their own lives, they still sometimes need parents to step in with limit-setting in areas where the teen or pre-teen isn't doing so well. As the child progresses in age, he or she will want and need to have more and more of a say in what those limits are.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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Obtained with permission on March 9, 2006 from http://www.parentingadolescents.com/curfew2.html