Withdrawing from Family to Computer

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Dear Jean:

My son is 13 and all he wants to do 24X7 is play on the computer. I don't have a problem with him playing, but we would like him to spend more time with us. He hates sports and hates school. How do we involve him in family activities without getting too much resistance from him?

Jean responds:

Your son's behavior, strange as it seems, is not all that unusual for this age. Young people just entering adolescence are under tremendous pressure, inside and outside. They deal with the pressure in different ways -- some withdraw (like your son), some explode into a whirlwind of activity with peers (which brings its own problems), some just aren't bothered.

It's quite normal, also, for kids this age to withdraw from family activities -- even to refuse to be seen with the family in public.

To help the natural withdrawal tendencies from going too far, I think it's okay for you to require him to be present at family meals a certain number of times a week, and to participate in selected family activities a few times a month. If you really think being on the computer all the time is unhealthy (and it may be), set a limit, in discussion with him, on the computer time, but don't make the alternative spending time with family. Other than the requirements I've mentioned (presence at family meals a certain number of times a week and participation a few times a month in family activities), let him decide what to do with the time he's not on the computer.

You can tell him that recent research indicates heavy use of the computer may be bad for anyone's mental health (look up on the Internet some articles on the use of computers and depression, or, better yet, have him do it!). His brain needs different kinds of stimulation during this time of his life. Suggest he may want to research studies about the brain during adolescence -- here's a reference to get him started:
www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain

If he's going to school (even though he hates it) and passing his subjects, doesn't seem very depressed for long periods of time, isn't messing up with drugs or alcohol and comes in at night, maybe has a friend or two, I wouldn't worry too much about the computer thing. But you might try the suggested interventions.

If he is failing subjects at school, try the kind of interventions suggested in Q&A's in the Archives on academic performance. Type that topic word into the Search box and click Search.

It might also be helplful to read some of the Q&A's in our Archives about adolescents' increasing drive toward independence. Just type independence into the Search box and click on Search.

Jean.

Disclaimer: Ms. Walbridge's response to your question is intended to be educational and informative. It is not a substitute for face to face consultation or psychotherapy with a mental health professional.

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Obtained with permission on March 9, 2006 from http://www.parentingadolescents.com/computertime.html